The Things They Say!

Overheard on the train steaming out of Waterloo this evening on the inevitable mobile: “No I didn’t take your biscuits to work this morning!”

 Sorry?

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No problem – It’s a solution

I’ve just got back from Tesco.

 

When I was there I was parked at the end of the aisle to watch the trolley.  I noticed that I was opposite a range of ‘Italian Meal Solutions.’

What?

I didn’t even know there were Italian Meal Problems.

For God’s sake they are frozen pizzas and they are very good frozen pizzas and the ones with salami and extra mushrooms are really really good.

Next to them are delicious curries not ‘Indian Meal Solutions’ and at the end are juicy burgers and not ‘American Meal Solutions.’

This is a bizarre way to buy groceries.

Compaq have a great idea to let you buy computers in different colours rather than black or grey, but guess what they are doing?

‘Leveraging the colour palette to enhance the office environment’ according to the press release.

They are painting computers bright colours – which is a good idea to cheer up your desk.

Why does everything have to be couched in these pseudo business terms and why can’t we simply tell each other what things really are?

I’m off now to leverage myself into my nocturnal environment posture solutions – M&S pyjamas in a rather fetching check design.  Argh!

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Where’s my money gone?

OK, we know banks need to make a lot of money.  They have huge expenses to pay, images to maintain, bonuses to pay their staff for sitting at computers and finding more complicated ways of adding up colums of figures or charging us a fee when their computer sees we are overdrawn and automatically prints off a letter.

They cut down their overheads by letting us do some of the work ourselves, fooling us we can save time (and them of course money paying humans) by doing it online.  That means we tell their computers directly what to do with our own money and the computers do it.  Notice there is no human intervention on their part in this.

So why is then that here I am on Monday morning still waiting for an electronic transfer made last Thursday to arrive in my bank account?

It left my client’s account one second after he pressed his send button but still hasn’t shown up in mine. If I go into a branch of the bank, pay some money or even a cheque in and then immediately go and check the balance at the ATM there it is, so where is it now?

It’s in one of the bank’s own accounts of course and they have been using it for the last four days – don’t give me the old rubbish about ‘working’ days – computers work all the time at a fixed cost, that’s why banks use them instead of humans.

My client is in Bristol and I’m in Berkshire – the money would have got here quicker by stagecoach.

The Highway Robber stopping it coming through is at the bank.

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